खौफ

खौफ का यूं आलम है
मौत भी मना रही मातम है

जिंदगी की टूटी इस कदर आस है
की सिसकी ले रही हर साँस है

कोई किरण नही आशा की
कोई उम्मीद नही दिलासा की

सुख गए आंसू आँखों में
बंद हो गए सपने सारे सलान्खों में

Kakorrhaphiophobia

There is a pond behind my house which is followed by small hillock. I have been wondering what is behind that hillock. So, I have been planning to stroll to its top to look what lies beyond it. But I am never able to find time for it.

But I think its not that I am not able to find time for it, it is that I do not want to find what lies beyond it.Part of it because I know that there is nothing there so I don't want to invest my time in something futile.Or may be because I hate to be dissapointed ,when I make an effort and I hope for something,so much that I do not even make a real effort because it leaves chance for the excuse that I didn't try hard.

I know it sounds stupid but thats how it is. I never knew when I became so phobic of failure. It stops me from really going for things because I think I will not be able to suceed at it. I don't know why I am afraid of failure its not like I am going to die if I fail. It is more like I do not want to admit I am not better at something because then I may stop trying.So I stop trying it before failing.The very fact that I am contemplating the fact that whether I should post it on net or not shows how afraid I am of getting discouraged even though there may be no one to discourage me.

I keep postponing lot of things just because I do not want to fail. I find out something more less demanding so that I do not have to pass through the litmus test.But then I sometimes realise that I cannot walk away from all the things all the time so I try things when they become crucial for me. Its also results in being commitment phobic because if you commit to things and if you make efforts to fulfill the commitment and if you are still not able to complete things the disappointment one has to go through is dreadful.

It is not like I am unaware of satisfaction of making effort then losing or winning. That is in the case of a game which is going to last for a few hours or few days at max say the game of chess I played at school level or a match of cricket. But in case where one has to make commitment which is more serious than a plain game. I cannot even promise myself even now that I will improve at it because what if i dont so why make a promise. Its like admitting failure without going for a fight. So the way I usually do things which are serious is by making them less serious by not coveting them so much and making an half hearted effort.

I think I will visit the hillock soon because it is nothing serious or long term.I wish I could say the same about long term commitments or the one that mattered.

I don't care what happens

I don't care what happens
As long as I am with you
I can't withstand a day
Without you

You set my day right
With a glance
You light up my night
With romance

I get so lost
In your presence
I get so mesmerized
That i lose all sense

I don't know what
I would have done
I don't know where
I would have ran
Had I not met you
All I can think now
Is I love you

जिंदगी में कोई जूनून नही

रात की गहराई में भी सुकून नहीं
जिंदगी में कोई जूनून नही

कमीं है एक नशे की
इंतज़ार है एक खूबसूरत हादसे की

रास्ते तो हैं कई
पर कोई मंजील नहीं

यूं तो गुज़र रही है जिंदगी
पर गुज़रना ही तो जिंदगी नही

विशाल सागर में
तलाश है साहील की

भगवान तो हैं कई
कमीं है यकीन की

भीड तो हैं बहुत
खोज है शानदार मह्फील की

बेसुरी होती है वो जिंदगी
जिस जिंदगी में धून नहीं

रात की गहराई में भी सुकून नहीं
जिंदगी में कोई जूनून नही

बस यूं ही

अकेला हूँ तन्हा नहीं
मुसाफीर हूँ बंजारा नहीं
हक़ीकत हूँ अफसाना नही
साथी हूँ सहारा नही

Dental Drama

I was waiting for today to come for last one week. The fear of “unknown things” (although I knew about surgery from the net, still it was not firsthand experience) that my teeth and gums are going to face kept me on the toes throughout the week. I was worried whether it will be successful or not. Am I going to witness side effects after the surgery?

The Day Begins

I slept earlier than usual timings so that I can wake up that at the time set in mobile alarm (7:00).I never heard the alarm though. I woke up at 7:20.without any external stimulus. The cleaning lady came next and she got the once in a while opportunity to clean my room as I never used to be up so early in the morning. Half an hour after the breakfast I eat medicine .I drank a glass of water for all three medicine prescribed by dentist. (Why am I writing this, because it will come into play later.) After I dressed up I realized that it is already 9:00. Doctor had stressed to be there by 9:45 so that the procedure could begin at 10.00. So the fact Shashi was taking some time slightly annoyed me and when he went back to take umbrella further annoyed so I went to road took an auto. In hindsight I shouldn’t have felt that way as I should have stressed earlier on about timing. I knew it will take at least 45 mins to reach punjagutta. Since we started at 9:25 I knew I was late by half an hour.

The Journey

After 10 to 15 mins I felt a strong urge to take a leak. (I guess 3 glass of water was not necessary). But I controlled the urge although bumps on the road made life difficult. I once even asked the auto to stop by at the urinal but he stopped ahead so I asked him to move on.

The Mix Up

After auto stopped near topaz building and asked for the fare I asked Shashi to pay the fare I continued to cross the road and search for the building. It was after few mins I realized Shashi was not following me .I went back to road but he vanished in thin air. I was annoyed at the fact that if he lost me why I didn’t he call me and was in a rush. I also didn’t call him as I thought if he is in a hurry to post his CAT form why should I bother him. It was later in the afternoon that I came know he thought I did not intend to give my CAT form to him to post. (Why did he think so I have no idea when he is going to post office why should I go separately?) Anyways “beet gayi so baat gayi”. Coming back to the plot. I inquired and went to the dental clinic. I confirmed about the appointment with the receptionist. And asked about way to toilet. She said “go out go left go right …..” I turned I saw door with toilet written on it and rushed towards. She said “not that, go out go left go right …..” but seeing me already at the toilet’s door she just switched on the lights of toilet.

The action begins

After meeting dentist and giving lame excuse of traffic and being far off from the place, dentist didn’t seem to buy that excuse and was slightly irritated at delaying his schedule although he didn’t express it. He asked me to lower the jeans , I am not afraid of needles as such as I have got many of them poked in me time to time . But it still stings.

After that, dentist started the flap surgery .The first step of cutting the gums on my entire upper jaw was painful .I cried slightly almost inaudibly for a sec and tears rolled out of eyes. But after that procedure was painless. Even though I could not see the action going on in the mouth I could feel the rubbing of steel on my teeth and stretching of gum. I mouth was completely dry due to suction. I felt like a person having a dry mouth due to month long desert odyssey. I could feel the dentist’s frustration as he vented his annoyance on the support staff. But I was not able to make out its source, whether it was my late arrival, inexperience of the staff, the bad deal that I overheard or something else. After the surgery doctor left without any word.

The mistake

I asked the staff there if I could go to toilet and went out. As I stepped out, I found one or two people looking at me like a freak. I proceeded to bathroom and looked in the mirror and found out I actually looked like a freak with swollen mouth, bloodied teeth and bloody band aid on the gums. After I came back no one was in the room. Confused as I sat there waiting for directions I saw the tap running and a plastic cup getting filled .In my ignorance I thought I need to gargle the blood as done after cleaning of the teeth. So I gargled and band aid came out, So I realized I made a mistake by not consulting anyone .

The correction

I went to doctor’s chamber .Doctor seeing my band aid gone inquired where did it go I said I gargled and it came out so he got irritated at the support staff on not giving directions about refraining from spitting anything out. He asked to take corrective measures.

The retreat

After having got various do’s and don’ts from dentist about the eating drinking and other stuffs. I made the payment and my purse got 12k lighter. After coming out I felt a bad taste in my mouth, I still don’t know what it was :- could be the feeling betrayed by destiny to cough up 12k , being stupid to gargle , the sudden disappearance of shashi, or the just the taste of my blood was kept coming in my mouth since the surgery began. I took auto and was worried at each that I might hurt my teeth.

After coming back, I rested for a while and then removed the band aid. Shashi came along with iron he would pump to beat Arnold.

Now I am waiting for dental drama part II which is on Monday.

A Picture

Just looking at the desktop wallpaper,the picture of open blue sky filled with light and greens at the corner, at this depth of night has suddenly left me with thoughts of how even a glimpse of imagination can penetrate long boundaries of reality.Now when we are leaving IITG it seems an era of freedom is over,but just as a picture of blue sky can light up a night the memories of IITG would lighten up the day.

If I just close my eyes,I see myself entering the hostel gate of dihing excited but slightly apprehensive.I can remember the view from my room's large glass window of clouded sky and green hills.Even the swampy pond cluttered with wild vegetation had its natural appeal.

Although time was flowing steadily life seemed at balance with scenario mostly peaceful with occasional turbulent periods.Days passed by just playing games , watching movie soaps etc,chit chatting idly with friends,without a speck of worry.

Now that most my friends have left the campus, I am still not able realize this as our final adieu to IITG .It is still feeling like usual end of semester and everybody would come back.

chand lamhe hi sahi jo humne guzare sath main
apne yaaroon ke sath din ya der raat main
kabhi ache kabhi bure halat main
le jayenge ye lamhe ab saugat main

Life is a void

Life is a void
A pertinent question to avoid
No matter how much you run away
It follows you night and day

One can resort to addiction
But it is nothing more than affliction
Once you look through facade
Everything seems like a useless charade

A life of meaning is an elusive dream
You follow till you lose all your steam

A Disappointed South African Fan

It is really disappointing to see south africa to struggle to win against the minnows.The defeat against bangladesh is unacceptable.

South Africa 's performance in last few matches is disenchanting. South African bowlers gave away lot of runs against australia .And even today too they squandered away lot of runs in last ten overs.

South African batting is also a cause of concern.Except smith and kallis other players are failing to provide support.South African middle order comprising of kemp,boucher,prince are not able to provide a solid partnership in the middle.

As a fan, I hope this their nadir and from now on they are going to play well and ensure a berth in the semis by winning the matches against west indies, england and new zealand.

**Also one of friend pointed out a interesting coincidence that in world cup 1999, zimbabwe after upsetting india went on to upset south africa. Similarly bangladesh after upsetting india went on to upset south africa.**

Indecision

"Ache aur bure main to koi bhi chun sakta hai.Par do ache chizon main ek ko chunna ya do buri main ek ko chunna muskil kaam hai."

A dialogue from fanaa movie is seeming to be perfect fit for my situation.Its very high time for me with job at Microsoft,hyderabad and calls from all the IIMs.But to choose between the two would be a tough task for me.It seems obvious choice to many who suggest IIM but then i am not sure whether manegerial job is suited for me.While on the other hand I am not sure whether microsoft job is going to keep me intrested for long.Giving CAT after job is an option but then I am not so sure I will be able to get through while working.(I feel this year's CAT was very much suited for me.)

Since the results of IIM are still not final,I am postponing the decision to the date till they are final.Also the trip organised by microsoft may prove helpful in decision making.

It is bit weird letting out your thoughts in open(my first blog).