There is a pond behind my house which is followed by small hillock. I have been wondering what is behind that hillock. So, I have been planning to stroll to its top to look what lies beyond it. But I am never able to find time for it.
But I think its not that I am not able to find time for it, it is that I do not want to find what lies beyond it.Part of it because I know that there is nothing there so I don't want to invest my time in something futile.Or may be because I hate to be dissapointed ,when I make an effort and I hope for something,so much that I do not even make a real effort because it leaves chance for the excuse that I didn't try hard.
I know it sounds stupid but thats how it is. I never knew when I became so phobic of failure. It stops me from really going for things because I think I will not be able to suceed at it. I don't know why I am afraid of failure its not like I am going to die if I fail. It is more like I do not want to admit I am not better at something because then I may stop trying.So I stop trying it before failing.The very fact that I am contemplating the fact that whether I should post it on net or not shows how afraid I am of getting discouraged even though there may be no one to discourage me.
I keep postponing lot of things just because I do not want to fail. I find out something more less demanding so that I do not have to pass through the litmus test.But then I sometimes realise that I cannot walk away from all the things all the time so I try things when they become crucial for me. Its also results in being commitment phobic because if you commit to things and if you make efforts to fulfill the commitment and if you are still not able to complete things the disappointment one has to go through is dreadful.
It is not like I am unaware of satisfaction of making effort then losing or winning. That is in the case of a game which is going to last for a few hours or few days at max say the game of chess I played at school level or a match of cricket. But in case where one has to make commitment which is more serious than a plain game. I cannot even promise myself even now that I will improve at it because what if i dont so why make a promise. Its like admitting failure without going for a fight. So the way I usually do things which are serious is by making them less serious by not coveting them so much and making an half hearted effort.
I think I will visit the hillock soon because it is nothing serious or long term.I wish I could say the same about long term commitments or the one that mattered.
