all i see is blood
faces are tainted
clothes covered with mud
feelings have fainted
love is nowhere to be found
competition abound
as long as whistles sound
severed limbs do not astound
it is like a burning race
its hard to match the pace
finding a way out of maze
like a mice in daze
even if you do succeed
rewarded for good deed
you are only as good as steed
saddled to speed
losing a moment here
seems to much to bear
even though path is clear
destination is never near
a fly trapped in cobweb,
request plead or beg
till you drop dead,
to be devoured head to leg
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Questions
Its easier to be engaged in things :being engaged in work or with a person or something .Because if you let your mind off the hook,it starts asking all sort of questions .Questions which you do not have answers to.Questions like "what your life is about", "where is your life going","what have you done of yourselves","what you are going to do in near future or later","what is purpose of your life" . And to answer or think about these question really takes toll on one. So much that one feels its better if we stop thinking about them.
Everything one is doing seems so pointless.Its almost like one has no clue what is going on. Life just seems like a chasing a ghost which was never there at first place. It is much easier if you stop questioning and engage in things but to my peril I am not able to do that .So every once in a while i end up asking these hard riddles of life.
What bothers me more is not the fact that I do not have answers to these questions right now ,but is there going to be any time when I will be able to answer these questions. It seems as if I would never have answers to these questions . I know that I am considering these things because I am in position to think of such things .There a lot of people who do not have liberty of entertaining these thoughts for they are too busy to earn a slice of bread. Not that I am completely assured of my livelihood till eternity . But now that I am thinking of this how do I go about it.
Some take consolation by assuming that there is a higher being guiding. But I am not convinced with that logic. While others use some milestones to get a sense of purpose. I do not find anything wrong with it but my problem is I want to know which do these milestones belong to.What is destination of this route. Its easy to be part of wild goose chase . But to step back and think if the time and effort spent chasing this goose in reality time well spent or not.
I think my problem arises also from the fact that I am a narcissist. So the idea of perfect life with wife and kids , does not ring a bell. As it is just a way to engage in more activity to avoid introspection. For now I think all I can do is to go about my usual affairs. and hope I find answers to some of these questions,sooner the better.
Everything one is doing seems so pointless.Its almost like one has no clue what is going on. Life just seems like a chasing a ghost which was never there at first place. It is much easier if you stop questioning and engage in things but to my peril I am not able to do that .So every once in a while i end up asking these hard riddles of life.
What bothers me more is not the fact that I do not have answers to these questions right now ,but is there going to be any time when I will be able to answer these questions. It seems as if I would never have answers to these questions . I know that I am considering these things because I am in position to think of such things .There a lot of people who do not have liberty of entertaining these thoughts for they are too busy to earn a slice of bread. Not that I am completely assured of my livelihood till eternity . But now that I am thinking of this how do I go about it.
Some take consolation by assuming that there is a higher being guiding. But I am not convinced with that logic. While others use some milestones to get a sense of purpose. I do not find anything wrong with it but my problem is I want to know which do these milestones belong to.What is destination of this route. Its easy to be part of wild goose chase . But to step back and think if the time and effort spent chasing this goose in reality time well spent or not.
I think my problem arises also from the fact that I am a narcissist. So the idea of perfect life with wife and kids , does not ring a bell. As it is just a way to engage in more activity to avoid introspection. For now I think all I can do is to go about my usual affairs. and hope I find answers to some of these questions,sooner the better.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Being Judged
When does one find oneself to be judged. Is it when one is being judged by someone else or is it when one is judging oneself, so much that every little and minutest chuckle on something completely unrelated seem to be a loud hysterical laugh directed at oneself.
I am biggest critique of myself and no one else can evaluate more than oneself, as one has complete information and is well aware of each every move and reason behind them. But letting oneself being judged by oneself at every minute of life can be excruciating, so one tends to ignore the verdict passed by oneself without second thought.
Its only when someone else reminds of the verdict that we silently ignored it pains. So its not the person passing the judgment but the one who is accepting is at blame because he knows every reason.
So only question is the judgment completely baseless.Then person ignores it completely.
If it hits bull's eye the person concerned will be pained but will accept it as he is himself aware of it,and has passed the judgment to oneself a lot of times. Although this will not lessen the pain and denial a lot
The third case would be that the judgment may be partially correct, this one causes more doubt and strife this is the situation in which person concerned had come to settle that in given situation the move made was correct but by being judged makes him doubt the notion.
I am biggest critique of myself and no one else can evaluate more than oneself, as one has complete information and is well aware of each every move and reason behind them. But letting oneself being judged by oneself at every minute of life can be excruciating, so one tends to ignore the verdict passed by oneself without second thought.
Its only when someone else reminds of the verdict that we silently ignored it pains. So its not the person passing the judgment but the one who is accepting is at blame because he knows every reason.
So only question is the judgment completely baseless.Then person ignores it completely.
If it hits bull's eye the person concerned will be pained but will accept it as he is himself aware of it,and has passed the judgment to oneself a lot of times. Although this will not lessen the pain and denial a lot
The third case would be that the judgment may be partially correct, this one causes more doubt and strife this is the situation in which person concerned had come to settle that in given situation the move made was correct but by being judged makes him doubt the notion.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
खौफ
खौफ का यूं आलम है
मौत भी मना रही मातम है
जिंदगी की टूटी इस कदर आस है
की सिसकी ले रही हर साँस है
कोई किरण नही आशा की
कोई उम्मीद नही दिलासा की
सुख गए आंसू आँखों में
बंद हो गए सपने सारे सलान्खों में
मौत भी मना रही मातम है
जिंदगी की टूटी इस कदर आस है
की सिसकी ले रही हर साँस है
कोई किरण नही आशा की
कोई उम्मीद नही दिलासा की
सुख गए आंसू आँखों में
बंद हो गए सपने सारे सलान्खों में
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Kakorrhaphiophobia
There is a pond behind my house which is followed by small hillock. I have been wondering what is behind that hillock. So, I have been planning to stroll to its top to look what lies beyond it. But I am never able to find time for it.
But I think its not that I am not able to find time for it, it is that I do not want to find what lies beyond it.Part of it because I know that there is nothing there so I don't want to invest my time in something futile.Or may be because I hate to be dissapointed ,when I make an effort and I hope for something,so much that I do not even make a real effort because it leaves chance for the excuse that I didn't try hard.
I know it sounds stupid but thats how it is. I never knew when I became so phobic of failure. It stops me from really going for things because I think I will not be able to suceed at it. I don't know why I am afraid of failure its not like I am going to die if I fail. It is more like I do not want to admit I am not better at something because then I may stop trying.So I stop trying it before failing.The very fact that I am contemplating the fact that whether I should post it on net or not shows how afraid I am of getting discouraged even though there may be no one to discourage me.
I keep postponing lot of things just because I do not want to fail. I find out something more less demanding so that I do not have to pass through the litmus test.But then I sometimes realise that I cannot walk away from all the things all the time so I try things when they become crucial for me. Its also results in being commitment phobic because if you commit to things and if you make efforts to fulfill the commitment and if you are still not able to complete things the disappointment one has to go through is dreadful.
It is not like I am unaware of satisfaction of making effort then losing or winning. That is in the case of a game which is going to last for a few hours or few days at max say the game of chess I played at school level or a match of cricket. But in case where one has to make commitment which is more serious than a plain game. I cannot even promise myself even now that I will improve at it because what if i dont so why make a promise. Its like admitting failure without going for a fight. So the way I usually do things which are serious is by making them less serious by not coveting them so much and making an half hearted effort.
I think I will visit the hillock soon because it is nothing serious or long term.I wish I could say the same about long term commitments or the one that mattered.
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