Bill's Last Day

I witnessed the last day of Bill Gates through webcast at Microsoft IDC 's hall. Although I was not physically present in the room with Bill Gates, it almost felt the same except for the time when webcast halted for some time due to buffering. It was really a great experience; "Bill Gates ,looking back, moving forward" that's what it was called.

Bill reminisced the past and evaluated the present and planned for future of Microsoft and for him. Ballmer was also helping Bill answer some questions regarding Microsoft like his proudest moment ,biggest goof up . plans for future etc . At the end , when Ballmer cried , I first thought why is he crying all of a sudden ,then suddenly even though I have no personal experience with Bill , I felt something it was not sadness or anything that I can name right now. I felt as if I am going to miss something now . Bill Gates has been one of my inspirations not just because he was richest man (that is one of the reasons :) though) ,but more because of the way he led the path for software industry to prosper . Many things are said about Microsoft and him , but Microsoft did whatever any company in its position would do. I am not justifying it but it does not steal anything away from great work done by Bill .

Today I found about my batch mate at IIT Guwahati , pursuing his dream in aviation. It was really great to know that he was going to become a pilot. It really kind of made me feel that hope and opportunity are always there and its really up to person to take a definite stride and grab them.

I also learnt of a endeavour of my IITG batch mate "BrandOnWheels.com" , its a nice undertaking and kudos to him for taking it.

This weekend I have got some really good news and witnessed a pretty important event.

Life is a journey

Life is a journey and to define a destination for life is as much a sacrilege as throwing it away.This thought dawned suddenly to me before dawn in the darkest hour both literally and symbolically.I was so adamantly focused on finding purpose or showing purpose does not exist in life ,that I forgot that journey is even more important. Problem with making destination more important than journey is that you end up enjoying it less and you get too stuck on the fixed path that you do not dare to go on those not trod path through woods or beautiful cart track in the valley .Haven't you ever felt when journey is wonderful ,destinations do not matter.

When one really starts enjoying the fact of being alive ,no purpose no goal is needed to justify life's existence.And one finds that justifying one's existence with all sort of purpose seem so meaningless and trite.

I still need to shed a lot of things to truly enjoy this journey.The feeling of obligation,the feeling of justification,the feeling of competition are all hindrance.To truly exalt life we should not have to be obliged,to justify,to compete .They should occur without us even noticing it .The fact that we think about it means we are putting ourselves at strain.

When you start feeling that life is great to you and you should do something to help someone who is not having a great life.It is not really that you are not honoring life but insulting it as you think some life is not compared to you and you want to feel great about your life by showing other's life is lowly.If one could reach a stage where one would help someone without feeling about it then we salute life.

There is so much to learn about life that I do not even know now.

Here are the few lines from song which was playing when I wrote this thing from Thoda Pyar Thoda Magic

कभी सोचा है क्या,
कभी सोचा है क्या,
बारिश क्यों भाये,
क्यों गीत बेवजह ,होतों पे आए,
क्यों अच्छी लगे, तलवों में लहरें,
क्यों भटके कदम, एक पल ना ठहरें,
ये सब इशारे हैं,
संग जो हमारे हैं,
दिल ने सवारे हैं,
प्यार के लिए.

Competition

all i see is blood
faces are tainted
clothes covered with mud
feelings have fainted

love is nowhere to be found
competition abound
as long as whistles sound
severed limbs do not astound

it is like a burning race
its hard to match the pace
finding a way out of maze
like a mice in daze

even if you do succeed
rewarded for good deed
you are only as good as steed
saddled to speed

losing a moment here
seems to much to bear
even though path is clear
destination is never near

a fly trapped in cobweb,
request plead or beg
till you drop dead,
to be devoured head to leg

Questions

Its easier to be engaged in things :being engaged in work or with a person or something .Because if you let your mind off the hook,it starts asking all sort of questions .Questions which you do not have answers to.Questions like "what your life is about", "where is your life going","what have you done of yourselves","what you are going to do in near future or later","what is purpose of your life" . And to answer or think about these question really takes toll on one. So much that one feels its better if we stop thinking about them.

Everything one is doing seems so pointless.Its almost like one has no clue what is going on. Life just seems like a chasing a ghost which was never there at first place. It is much easier if you stop questioning and engage in things but to my peril I am not able to do that .So every once in a while i end up asking these hard riddles of life.

What bothers me more is not the fact that I do not have answers to these questions right now ,but is there going to be any time when I will be able to answer these questions. It seems as if I would never have answers to these questions . I know that I am considering these things because I am in position to think of such things .There a lot of people who do not have liberty of entertaining these thoughts for they are too busy to earn a slice of bread. Not that I am completely assured of my livelihood till eternity . But now that I am thinking of this how do I go about it.

Some take consolation by assuming that there is a higher being guiding. But I am not convinced with that logic. While others use some milestones to get a sense of purpose. I do not find anything wrong with it but my problem is I want to know which do these milestones belong to.What is destination of this route. Its easy to be part of wild goose chase . But to step back and think if the time and effort spent chasing this goose in reality time well spent or not.

I think my problem arises also from the fact that I am a narcissist. So the idea of perfect life with wife and kids , does not ring a bell. As it is just a way to engage in more activity to avoid introspection. For now I think all I can do is to go about my usual affairs. and hope I find answers to some of these questions,sooner the better.

Being Judged

When does one find oneself to be judged. Is it when one is being judged by someone else or is it when one is judging oneself, so much that every little and minutest chuckle on something completely unrelated seem to be a loud hysterical laugh directed at oneself.

I am biggest critique of myself and no one else can evaluate more than oneself, as one has complete information and is well aware of each every move and reason behind them. But letting oneself being judged by oneself at every minute of life can be excruciating, so one tends to ignore the verdict passed by oneself without second thought.

Its only when someone else reminds of the verdict that we silently ignored it pains. So its not the person passing the judgment but the one who is accepting is at blame because he knows every reason.

So only question is the judgment completely baseless.Then person ignores it completely.

If it hits bull's eye the person concerned will be pained but will accept it as he is himself aware of it,and has passed the judgment to oneself a lot of times. Although this will not lessen the pain and denial a lot

The third case would be that the judgment may be partially correct, this one causes more doubt and strife this is the situation in which person concerned had come to settle that in given situation the move made was correct but by being judged makes him doubt the notion.